I wannabe Chris: A parody about Chris Crocker Parodies
March 2, 2008 by strider
I was going to write a parody of Roch Carrier’s The Hockey Sweater, but I didn’t really want to write a real story. I was going to write about a group of people who were all fans of Chris Crocker, in the same sense that some people in earlier generations were fans of Maurice Richard. Let’s try something:
These imitators went to school, where they dreamed of being the perfect Chris Crocker. They went home, which is where they hid under their bedsheets to perfect their Chris Crocker quotes. Their bedsheets were white with no markings, just like Chris Crocker’s. They dyed their hair blonde like Chris Crocker. They dressed in feminine clothing, like Chris Crocker. They had hissy fits like Chris Crocker. They had nervous breakdowns like Chris Crocker. Indeed, Chris Crocker was their hero, and they tried to do everything like Chris Crocker.
There were ten of them — all dressed like Chris Crocker, all dressed in makeup and ladies’ clothes. There were 5 Chris Crockers, wailing and crying on You Tube to 5 other Chris Crockers. They all knew everything there was to know about Chris Crocker. They videotaped Chris Crocker interviews on celebrity programs. They cut Chris Crocker’s picture out of the paper. All of them tried to find the perfect intonation for key Chris Crocker lines: How Dare you make fun of Britney?, or She’s a human being, or more, more, more, more, more, more, MORE!.
Then, one day, the bedsheet of one of them, called joedarling999 started to wear out and have holes in them. His mother ordered another from the Sears catalog. A few days later, when it came in, he was in for the saddest day of his life: the bedsheet, instead of being plain white, had Spiderman patterns on it. joedarling999 couldn’t take it and said to his mother in his best hissy-fit: “There is no way I can show my face on YouTube with that bedsheet! Chris Crocker would never wear that bedsheet on You Tube!”
His mother replied “Joe, darling: You are not Chris Crocker, and you will have to learn to become your own person and to accept yourself as different from Chris Crocker. And besides, it fits you like a glove.”
“I will not wear that bedsheet if Chris Crocker might be watching! I will never wear a Spiderman bedsheet!”
His mother replied calmly: “Joe, darling: if you choose not to wear the bedsheet on YouTube, time will pass, and the whole Chris Crocker thing will blow over as your on-line friends lose interest. Then, you will have to find some other way to spend your time.”
At last joedarling999 said grudgingly, “Okay, I’ll wear it.”
